ive been gone for awhile an this has probably been tha first time ive set out to discourage peeps to not bang its just i realized in this time ive been gone tha…
gang life will not get you money power and respect…ganglife will get you killed… a lot of people dont realize tha pain and heartbreak thugs go thru an they figure cuz we bang tha we aint got feelings like we desensitized to death im here to say its not so…death is somethang nobody can cope with if a person you kno has fallen it takes tha ones left behind a lifetime 2 pick themselves up once its all said and done all u got is a blunt to remember ur niggas by ayo 4real why we here y we die i kno im cryin an it seems tha more im tryin to get shit i just wanna ask nebody thas willing to answer, how many of yall after u hear bout or see ur nigga die just go an blaze up pull a 187 an go on livin.

wha kinda lifestyle do u have if ur only rule is kill or be killed?

for all of u wannabes think bout this: do u wanna see ur mother father sister brother & best friends die bcuz you thought you look cool stoned wit a gun?

ill tell u you look fuckin stupid cuz tha world knows you got a death wish and dont have tha fuckin balls to kill urself. Im losin niggas right and left.
One day im afraid ima look back and aint no one left. Im already headin for a hearse, wit a curse, knowin its all bouta end. Then i go out wit no head. bout spend eturnity livin in misery. everybody i know is sheddin tears 4 me. spears in me, fears in me, not knowin when im goin. i dunno if ima even die throwin, gunnin heat, only thang i ever knew was tha street.

i kno where im goin when i die im just sayin yall wannabes tha think gangin is so cool look in tha mirror youll see a fool, i tell u wha a fool is better than a pool of blood. u still got time make ur own way of livin 2 tha fullest thuggin aint gunna get u nowhere wed kno we’ve all been there done tha an paid our dues now its ur time to choose if ur gunna die an go to tha pen or u gunna live witout everyday sin

King Kato

ME, MYSELF, AND I

Many of you reading this don’t know me, but a lot of you can understand how it was growing up fast and hard in the barrios, the poor sides of town. On the streets of my city I am called Twilight, but my real name is Juan Hernandez. I was born on May 18th, I’m 20 years old.

You know thru out my life I always thought that no one could understand the things I have been thru, or would even care. Until I found this site and read the stories of g’s and o.g’s. So here is my story in hopes that maybe someone reading this will understand that someone does care and that they are not alone.

MY FAMILY

Well I don’t have a really big family, or a close family like some of you out there. Yeah I have a father and a mother just like the rest of you out there. I have a sister and an older brother. Thanks to my dad being this big time player I have like 15 or 16 half brothers and sisters out there somewhere.

MY SO CALLED FATHER

My father….I have a lot to say about that man. As a child me and him were close. I honestly don’t remember though. In my photo album that I have, there are pics of me and him and of happier days, of days I wish I could have again. As I got older me and my dad started drifting apart, mostly cause of his drinking and constant fighting with my mother. He would always end up beating her. There were times I wished I could have kept my dad from hurting my mom, but being a lil kid, I could not do much. As I got older more and more me and my dad drifted apart. His drinking got worse and my mom suffered cause of it. Once I decided enough was enough and I tried to stop my dad from hurting my mom, I’m sure he didn’t mean it cause I could see the regret and the pain in his eyes after he did it but as I tried to stop him from hitting my mom, he hit me instead. The damage was done. From that dad I hated my dad. As I got older more and more me and my dad fought.

When I hit my teens, I started running away. staying away for days. One day I came home thinking everything was cool and me and my dad ended up fighting and he threw me out of the house at the age of 13. On and off I lived on the streets or staying at my friends house. Living on the streets also got me involved with the Surenos in my city. I became one of them. Then one day I came home on mothers day to see my mom and he was beating her again. I was older, I was stronger. I said to myself he would never touch my mom again. Me and him went heads up and he beat my ass but I made sure I got my hits in too. Bleeding and hurt I convinced my mom to get her things and leave with me. That was the last day my so called father hurt my mom. As I got older me and my dad had more encounters and more fights and to this day me and him no longer speak to each other. We just don’t care about each other anymore. What we once had in those pictures seems like it happened a lifetime ago. I am no longer that lil boy anymore, and he is not the dad I use to love and look up to anymore….

MY MOTHER

Me and my mother always had happy times together. Whatever I wanted she would get me. She spoiled me, buying whatever I wanted, taking me wherever I wanted to go. She even played with me and my toys. I love my mother very much. She was a sweet woman, loving and caring, maybe thats why she had a lot of friends. She always got invited to these parties where a girl turns 15 her family has like this big ass party and dance. I know what it is but I can’t spell it, :-p But anyways she always got invited and I don’t know bout now but back then they use to play this song called *Sabor a Mi* for the girl to dance. I would be like sitting at a table all by myself while my mom was talking with her friends, and I would be playing with my lil toy cars and today I still don’t know why but the girl who was having that party would come up and ask me to dance with her. I was like about 7 or 8 but I guess I looked older or something cause it always happened…wonder if my mom had anything to do with that? I have lots of pictures of me dancing and it seems like in every picture me and my mom took with the girls family I looked older and older and I got taller and taller.

Once in a while I play this cd that has that song called *Sabor a Mi* and it reminds me of my mother and those days. I honestly can say it makes me cry cause I miss my mom, I miss my mom taking me to those dances, I miss sitting on her lap, I miss her singing to me when I was scared of the monster under the bed and I would not go to sleep. I would like very much to see my mother again and tell her I love her and how much I miss her. When she got sick I was locked up in county but they let me go see her in the hospital. I remember crying and crying cause they told me she had cancer and there was nothing they could do. Even though I made my peace with her. I wish I could have been there by her side, to tell her I love her when she died. Instead of being locked up…

MY BROTHER AND COUSIN

Well about my brother, now your wondering why I would name this part about my brother and my cousin. Well the reason I named it this is cause they both belong to the same gang. Anyways. Me and my brother like most brothers had a close relationship. As kids we always did what brothers do. We watched out for each other. Lied for each other when we got in trouble. Jumped in for each other if we were in a fight. You know things brothers do. But as we got older we started drifting. He started going out more with his friends and always leaving me behind. More and more is became about his friends than his lil brother. When I got thrown out of the house my brother had got involved with a gang called the Latin Kings. He was just a member just like everyone else was. What I didn’t know was one of my primos was also a King and got him involved. As time went on, we drifted more and more. We didn’t drift cause of personal problems with each other like me and my dad and my sister but we drifted cause of who we chose to run the streets with, he ran with Kings, I ran with Surenos. Any true Sureno and King knows the relationship between the two. I don’t have to explain it.

Anyways. Me and my primo however were close, in fact all my cousins on my mothers side are close with me. They understand how my dad and my sister and his side of the family treats me, they don’t like him ether. They the only family I have. I just wish I could see more of them…. Well back to what I was saying and my cousin were close. As kids me and my brother and him always played together. We even did a *blood brother* thing with each other, thats how close we all were as kids. I could go on and on about all the things we did as kids, about how much I miss those days, how much is hurts to know I can’t go back or change the past…..or how much I wish my primo was alive still. It was a year on June 13th that my primo died, He was shot a few days before but a few days later. He just gave up and let himself die. Thats what I think. Even though we are from different gangs. We both went thru the same street drama. I’m sure like me, he just didn’t want to fight no more, he just let himself go….so he could find his peace….Maybe someday I will find mine. As for my older brother. After my primo died, my brother took over his position in the Kings. He now runs the chapter in my city. From time to time we do talk to each other, but it’s been so long since we talked that you can feel the distance between us. We just don’t know each other anymore.

MY SISTER

Well about my sister. My sister, like with all my siblings, we were close, but like everyone else, we drifted as I got older. My sister has 4 kids, each one of them I call *my babies* cause I raised them on my own. While she was hoeing around I was home taking care of them, changing their diapers, feeding them. I did all that and I still was living on the streets and dealing with street drama. I don’t know how I did it but I did. They good kids now, a’s and b’s in school. Not bad for being a gangster and being a parent at the same time. Now my sister trips saying shit like they should not be around me cause I’m this or I do that. They know though, they know how thier mom use to be.

CYNTHIA AND ROBERT

This is the final piece of my story. I know I wrote a lot about myself and those around me. This last piece is about two people who I love very much. One who was my lady, and the other my best friend. Cynthia was a girl who always stood by my side. Was always there for me. There were times I admit where I put my friends and my drama first before her. Time when I was not there for her when she needed me. Times I made her cry. Thru it all she still stood by my side, any vato out there who has had a lady like that in his life knows what I am talking bout when I say you don’t find many ruca’s out there who will put up with shit like that.

I met her and Robert when I was 14, like me their life at home was not a happy one. It was a year later when I fell in love for the first time in my life. I fell in love with Cynthia. She was my first love, she was my first lover. To this day she was my first, and my last. In life there are prices to pay for everything you do. I mean thats how life is. My price for the life I lived was losing her and later my best friend. One day we were at the park on the other side of town. We were just kicking it. When out of nowhere drama happened. They blasted, we blasted back. It all happend so quickly. After it was all over I saw something that forever to this day haunts my days and my nights.

My lady had been shot. I remember how my legs didn’t want to move. Somehow I crawled over to her and I kept telling myself this aint happening. Having her blood on my hands and shirt changed all that. It was real, it did happen. I don’t know why I did it……but at that time I felt if I held on to her tight enough I could keep her from leaving me. I kept telling her *please, please, please don’t leave me don’t die!* ……..then I felt her leave. A year later Robert overdosed on heroin, a year after that my mother died.

Cynthia was three months pregnant. I had lost everything I loved cause of the road I walked.

CLOSING

Today as I sit here I can’t help but think about everything I been thru. My life has been full of regrets, heartache and sorrow. I have been shot, I have been stabbed but thru it all I STILL stand tall, even though at times this world had me on my knees but I have never given up on making my life better for me and those around me. I am a Veterano now, somehow I survived all this shit. I also recently found steady work. Although I have lots of problems I still managed to get my life straight and find work, even though it’s not ideal. It’s better than dealing with drama and constantly be in fear of my life. I hope things will be better now that I stopped banging. I also hope some day I can find someone to share my life with, someone who can give me consolation for the past, someone to share my dreams of the presents and give me hope for the future

Someday…..

Living in fear, I aint living in fear no more, since the day I dropped the rag, since the day i made him mad, i iant living in fear no more, since the day I woke up and walked away, the day the plane left LA. I aint living in fear no more, since the day i said goodbye to my homey who just died. I aint living in fear no more, since the day they called me coward, since the day i gained back power, I aint living in fear no more. Kobe

Two young gang members talk about their lives…

Our  Lives

My name is Paul, better known as Little Huero. I’m from Phoenix, AZ. I grew up on the West
Side of Phoenix. At the age of 10 is when I got jumped into my hood WS WBP12th AVE. After
i got jumped in that’s when all the crazy shit started to happen. I started to get into a
grip of trouble like Grand Theft Auto, selling drugs, robbed houses, shoot at rival gangs.
I basically did everything a gang member did and my Mom thought that I was just some good
boy until she found out everything I was doing. When she found out about this she was
really hurt. At the age of 12 that’s when I stopped giving a fuck about life. Then later
on I was realizing that I was hurting my Mom because of the stuff I was doing. So now I’m
locked up because of all the stupid shit I did. So for all ya that are just beginning the
gang life, think about it now that you have a chance, because in the future all the shit
you did in the past is going to catch up with you. Now it’s time to change, and leave the
past behind, look toward the future. On the outside it doesn’t always show that I want to
change, but deep inside I do want to change. Paul, 15

My name is Richard also known as Ears from West Side Brown
Pride. I started to get involved in drugs, gangs and alcohol at the age of nine. Then when
I was about twelve when I started to do more serious shit like selling drugs, shooting at
rival gang members, breaking into peoples houses and shit to prove myself to the hood.
When I started to do more crimes I really didn’t care anymore about what would happen to
me only about making money and being part of a gang. Finally I was getting caught up for
the shit I was doing. When I was thirteen I was doing time in juvenile for breaking into
houses and selling drugs. While I was locked up I realized that none of my true homies
were there for me. Right now I’m in a juvenile corrections facility in a drug program
trying to change my life around from being a criminal to citizen. Now that I’m in here
looking at all the shit I did it wasn’t worth trying to prove myself to a bunch of guys
that ain’t even there for me when I needed them the most. So my word of advice to you is
just be yourself and don’t try to prove yourself to no one. And all the shit you be doing
will catch up to you sooner or later. So think of your family before you do anything.
Later, Richard, 15 C.G., AZ

Family Life
How can I say whats on my mind,
I consider you my family,
but still ya’ll are blind,
see I lost my dad,
6 years on the ninth,
I went to the cemetary,
but i couldnt cry,
tears welled up,
but it felt like i was saying goodbye,
then after you grandpa died,
an since you guys been gone,
dont seem like me an mom are loved by your side,
maybe its true,
maybe not,
i just wish i could hear ya thoughts,
I got two brothers,
1 doing better than the other,
chris is off cocain,
got custody of alex from lea,
thats the mother,
Alex is like 3,
shes just starting to talk,
chris seems real depressed,
every time he calls,
he’s cocked,
Mike Is doing better,
still in school in the UK,
I got another email from him,
just the other day,
still sending me those corny jokes,
he seems to send them everyday,
an then we got my sister,
she just had her lil boy,
she named him joey,
and my family heaped him with toys,
as for kim shes still cool,
this winter maybe we’ll ski,
an then we got my mom,
most important to me,
she got all her trust in me,
an i know no matter what,
she’ll never stop loving me,
an my stepdad,
well he’s cool,
communication’s getting better,
an thats about all i got to say,
this is all about me,
where im from,
who i am,
an what things are like,
just a lil bit of background,
on my family life.

Jey

Opening My Eyes

I’ve never been from a gang

Always wanted to be

I sit here and read these stories

All I do is cry

I just I will survive

And I won’t let myself

Fallin so deep

This is all just so creepie

I ‘ve seen it in the Familia

But it’s not the same

The make it sound like a fun game

Besides the one’s locked up for life

But yet none of them, have passed away

Or been raped

It all seems like a life of fun

With ur homies and always being on the run

Them always being there to have your back

Through Thick and Thin

Now that I read these I pray I’ll never

Lose a loved one or my man  or any of my homies

But I feel like it’s to late

I feel like there death date

Is soon but only fate can tell

All I can do is pray

Much Love To All You All Out There

And Thanks 4 Opening a

Lil’ Chicana’s Eyes

WrOtE bY

LiL cHiCaNa GiZmO

My very close friend, Peggy, is in prison for killing a man. She is spending this time growing closer to God. The following was in a letter she wrote to me:

“In this lesson (course) ‘How to Succeed on the Streets,’ it revolves around the book of Joshua, especially Chapter 24. It talks about the six false gods that you must reject in order to worship the one true God (Joshua 24:14-15).

1. THE DEVIL HIMSELF – He is called ‘the god of this world’ in 2Corinthians 4:4. Satan is also called the father of lies. He is the enemy who will tempt you to lie, steal, con, and manipulate others. Our responsibility is to STAND AGAINST him (Eph. 6:11) and to resist him (James 4:7; 1Peter 5:8)

2. THE GOD OF IMMORAL SEX – The devil will tempt you to do this. He’ll want you to think that it’s all right since everyone else does it. We all know many of the consequences of immoral sex.

3. THE GOD OF INTOXICATION – Satan will try to persuade you to use drugs and alcohol. He’ll want you to think you can quit any time.

4. THE GOD OF MONEY – Satan wants to distract you and make you think that making money is the key to success. He wants you to think that serving money is better than serving God. Unfortunately, too many Americans have bought into this lie, whether they know it or not.

5. THE GOD OF FAMILY NEGLECT – The devil is a divider of families. He wants you to live an utterly selfish life and to ignore the needs of your family (your children, parents, brothers, or sisters). Satan desires that you think your own happiness is more important.

6. THE GOD OF VIOLENCE – The devil moves people to commit acts of violence. Cain was jealous of his brother, Abel. He allowed Satan to move him to murder his brother.”

So what is the Key to Success on the Streets?

Joshua 24:14-15 “Now fear the Lord and serve Him with all faithfulness…..if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve….
But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”

This from a series of posts from our message boards

by O.C. LaLa 714

Its alright lil man
Your beauty intoxicates all you encounter,
Yet you fail to notice,
This is your blunder,

You’ve had a rough time,
Though now it is over,
But yet you continue clinging to what is left over,

And in doing this your depression grows deeper,
Pulling you apart at the seams,
Causing you to unravel and fall to you knees,
Pondering desperately: “How much worse can it be? ”

To ease your mind of your terrible burden,
You bargain with Satan (as if he cares),
Giving you a release, in turn for your soul:
That you believe tarnished and not worth much at all,

When all of your friends have been with you till now,
But here comes the crossroads up ahead,
They give you a choice: “Stand tall or fall down.”

You have your beauty and charm,
Your intelligence and grace,
Good friends and your health,
What more does it take for you?

You have taken out my heart and ripped it to shreads,
Just imagine it in your hand, no more puppin, its simply dead.
You have left cuts all over it, its bleeding down the side,
do you really care if is living of if it has died.
It was suppose to be a light red sort of color,
but you have turned it more purple, with your hands its been smothered.
The shape appears to be alive and full,
but my heart has turned dark and the shape is more like a piece of coal.
it would normally pump with in a musical way,
but my heart seems to have no music to play.
I just want to you see the physical side of what you do,
but it has nothing left, nothing to give and nothing for you.

Don’t Close Your Eyes So Tight by Dollface

I cram my eyes shut so tight
maybe i wont see…
maybe i wont remember every detail that happened to me.
No matter how hard i or you try
those things are still there.
It’s not like those bad dreams that are gone within a blink of an eye,
Our past is still there..
hanuting and demonizing
the soreness that builds around our hearts,
Don’t close your eyes so tight!
It doesn’t work…trust me i’ve tried..
try being me..Could you forget being knocked out by a frying pan?/
It’s all in the past
and yet the flashbacks are so real
I try and cram my eyes shut. Humming la la la,
but no matter what,
that technique don’t work…
so just between me and you
try and find a new way to move on.